FIGHT CLUB Don't drop the soap, no really don't
by Ranting writer
Summary: We decided to gather up every character we could from everything we could think of and have them beat the hell outta one another. Please note that none of the pics my friend and I put up worked, If you want the illustrted version say so in a review thank


Hello Ranting writer and FooDawg again. We will bring random characters from books, TV shows, Anime, Video games, and Hollywood. For your personal enjoyment!!!! WARNING THIS IS RATED R FOR RETARDED. NOW ENTER THE CONTESTENTS. FIRST ENTER PETER GRIFFIN.

Peter) Freaking Jesus, I got teleported into Mortal Combat. Like in that movie pleasant Ville (Laughs stupidly.)

Enter Marcus Fenix, and Master chief at the same time.

Marcus: Where the fucking hell am I.

Master chief: Cortana where is this place. Why does it smell?

Peter: OOPSY.

Master chief and Marcus Fenix together: Jesus Christ on a bicycle up a fucking hill!!!!

O.K now here comes Ed and Alfonse together.

Ed: Hey what is this place? Come on I Had the fucking stone you assholes.

Al: Brother I don't think you should curse so much.

Now here comes Elmo and Barny together.

Elmo and Barny appear wielding an assortment of blood stained weapons.

Elmo: Hey what the fuck? Elmo was about to eat big bird.

Barny: And I was about to waste those kids. Heyuc

Now enters Mr. T

Mr. T: I PITTY DUH FOO. Say wha where the fudge is I.

Now here comes fresh meat for the grinder. Paris Hilton.

PH: OMFG WTFAI

O.K then here comes a crowed favorite the avatar Aang.

Aang: Gee golly where am I momo where are you.

Marcus Fenix: Get back it's a kryll (Chainsaws Momo dead)

Aang: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

O.k that was a bit graphic, Alright Naruto is next.

Naruto: What, I was eating my top ramen.

Ed: HAHAHAHAHA he's shorter than me.

Naruto: Maybe but at least I'm not a midget cripple.

Mr. T: Hey kids that's not politically correct, it's little disabled people.

Ed: Who are you calling a runt so small you want to crush him like an ant?!?!?!?

And for all you star wars nerds out there, YODA.

Yoda: Playing with my lightsaber I was.

Everyone except Mr. T and Aang: OH MY FUCKING GOD.

Yoda: What, (Reveals lightsaber)

Well Yoda's busy with his umm lightsaber. So lets move on to our next vict…. ahhhh I mean contestant, Jack the ripper.

Jack the ripper: Hey I was busy. (Throws human heart on the ground and stamps on it angrily.)

(Everyone but Marcus, master chief, Barny, and Elmo, Puke)

Oh good lord, O.k here comes a wad of plastic and patriotism, GI Joe Duke.

Duke: Heavy Duty where did you go you silly little boy. OH UH I mean stay in school and uh don't do drugs kids. Knowing is half the battleG.I. Jooooooooooooooooooooe

All right that was weird, now here comes a cult favorite. Harry Potty I mean Potter.

Harry Potter: Come on Weasly right there stick it there oh yeah Hermione oh you dirty girl oh yes yeeeeessssssssss, did I say that out loud. Oh Feck I did.

Good lord Harry what happened.

Harry: Ahhhh I had my first wet dream.

O.k go change your clothes and come back when you're dry. Speaking of perverts here comes Michel Jackson.

Michael Jackson: (In deep raspy voice) Jimmy where'd ya go. Are you hiding again, Hmmmmmm? Oh shit (In Feminine voice) I mean I was uh practicing my lines for a new um movie I'm making, you want to hear what its about?

Sure whatever helps you sleep at night? Last but not least the vicious Vampire Alucard.

Alucard: I seem to have been teleported into another dimension. Wonderful this could be fun. (Pulls out his guns).

Well now that you're all here I should tell you all that you're about to face one another off in battles to the death.

Everyone except Alucard, Marcus, Master chief, Elmo, and Barny, "Oh man death sucks."

ROUND 1

Duke against Paris Hilton.

Duke runs at Paris with a knife.

Duke: Your going down sister!

Paris: Omg, like a sharp pointy object.

Duke: Not even Prada can stop me!!!

Duke jabs at Paris with knife only to realize that flimsy plastic will not penetrate Paris's thick Homo-erectus skull. (no we're not being pervy that's a scientific term for an early stage of human.) Paris kicks duke in his balls with Prada shoes only to realize plastic toys don't have balls.

Paris: Omg you're a girl.

Duke: No assface I'm plastic.

Paris: OMG so am I. We're plastic people.

Duke: We should stop this violence and live in peace like good sisters… brothers…. things.

Suddenly both drop dead.

Thanks for the sniper rifle chief, well that didn't go how we hoped but at least they both died. ON to round 2.

Peter V.S. Harry Potter.

Peter: HEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE.

Harry: Can't concentrate arrrrrgggggg stup-stupi I LIKE WAFFLES!!!!!. (Falls on ground)

Finish him.

Peter falls on Harry.

Peter: I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won I won.

O.K YOU WON NOW SHUT UP. It appears Harry had an aneurism and was then crushed so we won't be seeing him again.

Round 3 Tag match

Elmo & Barny V.S. Ed & Al

Ed: Your going down you demented muppet.

Elmo: Elmo's going to kill you slow!!!

Ed: Good god.

Ed turns his hand into a blade.

Elmo draws a cleaver.

Ed attacks Elmo and Transmutates his cleaver into a fish.

Ed: Now I have disarmed you.

Elmo: Think again bitch face. (Pulls Sai out of his ass)

Ed: Crap.

Ed blocks Elmo's attacks over and over then kicks Elmo in the crotch lifting him about five feet in the air. Ed then Transmutates Elmo's Sai into gophers.

Elmo bites off gopher's heads. Then pulls a katana out of his ass.

Elmo: Kiss your ass goodbye, cause Elmo is gonna cut it off.

Ed doges Elmo's attacks again then stabs him in the mouth.

Elmo: AAAAAAAAhhh bitch, Barny kick his ass.

Ed: Al I need back up.

Both Al and Barny charge in.

Barny: Eat this Heyuc. (Pulls claymore out of Elmo's ass.)

Al tackles Barny while Ed beats up Elmo.

Barny: I hate little kids.

Ed: Who you calling little you purple muthafucka. (Kicks Barney's head off.)

Elmo: Bitches (Charges at Ed with Katana)

Al picks up Elmo and rips him in half.

Al: You are not a nice puppet.

Elmo: Suck it trashcan.

Al: Don't call me a Trashcan. (Looms over Elmo)

Elmo: Oh fuck.

Al: I learned this from Kimbly. (Transmutes Elmo into a bomb)

Well Ed and Al seemed to have won but now we must evacuate the building.

(Several hours later)

Well now we will be hosting the fights, on a large flying platform over a lake of lava.

Next round is Marcus Fenix against Aang

Aang: This is for Momo.

Marcus: Yeah yeah bring it on you little bitch.

Aang launches a rock at Marcus. It glances off his armor. Marcus fires his gun at Aang who blows the bullets back which then bounce off Marcus's Armor again. Marcus throws a grenade that blows Aang almost to the edge of the platform.

Aang: Wow that was close.

Marcus: Fuck, (Fires up chainsaw) hahahaha.

Aang: Oh no wait I can fly hehehehehehehehehe. (Flies in the air)

Marcus: I need a bigger gun. (Takes out Torque bow and shoots Aang in the kneecap.)

Marcus: ha now you have two seconds left to live.

Aang: If I'm going to die so are you. (Flies closer to Marcus than explodes. Knocking Marcus into the lava.)

Marcus: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. (Kurplunk)

O.k we're running low on contestants so next is Alucard against Jack the ripper.

Alucard: Ready to die Jacky boy.

Jack: Your not my cup of tea but you'll do.

Alucard starts pulling out gun. Jack runs toward him holding two knives.

Alucard: Damn this gun is so long.

Jack: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Alucard continues pulling out gun. While Jack slips on a banana peal.

Alucard: Oh fuck this. (Turns his arm into a satanic dog, then bites off Jacks head.)

Jack: gurgle blagh (Dies)

O.K well that was short. Next round is Michael Jackson V.S. Mr. T.

Mr. T: You are a foo for MOlestin dem kids."

MJ: Ohhh but it's fun.

Mr. T: Shuddup and die perv.

MJ: YOU DON"T HAVE THE A TEAM WITH YOU NOW HAHAHAHA. (Begins to sing and dance.)

Mr. T: Ahhhhh can't take it so retarded. No I mean

Special, or is it mentally challenged. Oh well. AAAARRRGGGG.

MJ: Feel the music like hands down your pants. But the hands aren't yours. (Starts moonwalking)

Mr. T: Dis is fo all dos kids. (Strangles Michael with bling.)

MJ: blagh (Dies bleeding from the mouth.)

Mr. T: Yeah dats right muthafucka I mean meanie.

So the perv has been killed by a bling magnet, well. (Interrupted by gunfire) 

Random security guard- We're under attack its barney leading the armies of hell.

Oh shit all surviving contestants attack.

Barny- (In deep satanic voice) HAHAHAHAHA I will eat your souls hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha Oh shit rat poison hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

We were saving this for later but I think this calls for backup GODZILLA ATTACK

Godzilla- Roarg

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Dillard'S Curve. See where it takes you.

These are damn good corn chips (Eats a R.W. Garcia corn chip.) And we're back Barny has been vanquished, and Mr. T got Posttraumatic stress and has been sent back.

Well lets go to our next fight Ed vs Naruto. Fight of the midgets.

Ed- I'm not short you fucktard

Naruto- I'm going to kick your ass believe it.

Ed- I don't

Naruto- Believe it

Ed- Nope

Naruto- Believe it

Ed- shut up

Naruto- Believe it

Ed- Fuck you

Naruto- Believe it

Ed- goddamnit shut the hell up wetbag

Naruto- Believe it.

Ed- FUCK YOU (Charges at Naruto)

(Naruto steps aside and Ed runs off the edge and dies.)

Kakashi- It seems Naruto annoyed the other one so much he didn't think and just charged. Good job Naruto.

Where the flying fuck on Lambo did you come from?

Kakashi- I got lost on the path to life.

O.k (Walks away slowly.) Well anyway that was a little unexpected are next fight will be between Yoda and Alucard.

Alucard- so your pitting me against a large frog who ware's a bathrobe and plays with his sword Hmmmmmm.

Yoda- Alucard you are, die you must.

Alucard- And he talks backwards.

Yoda- the darkside you must fear.

Alucard- (Shoots at Yoda who deflects it back. It hits Alucard in the leg but just regrows.)

(Alucard shoots at Yoda while Yoda dodges all of his bullets. Yoda manages to get close to Alucard.)

Yoda- Over it is for you. (Cuts Alucard's head off Yoda begins to walk away then Alucard stands back up and begins shooting again.)

Yoda- Die you shoud've.

Alucard- hahahaha hahahahahaha large retarded frogs can't kill me.

(Yoda attacks him again but Alucard dodges all of his attacks.)

Alucard- Is this all you've got (Kicks light saber out of Yoda's hand) I expected more from a Jedi. (Puts the "Jackal" to Yoda's head.)

(Yoda uses the force and sends Alucard flying backward.)

Alucard- NOW YOU WILL SEE HOW REAL VAMPIERS DO BATTLE. (Unleashes his hellhounds.)

Yoda- Fucked I am run I must. (Begins running away from the hellhounds. Alucard blows off his legs so he can't, and hellhounds messily devour Yoda.)

Yoda's ghost- can't kill me you can't dead I am now.

Alucard- Oh wait I forgot to mention, I can eat souls.

Yoda- Shit (Gets sucked into vortex to hell)

Well Yoda has been completely ass fucked but we still have plenty of victims for you.

Next Round Naruto vs Al

Al- this is for Ed

Naruto- Believe it

Al- I'm not falling for that trick like my brother did.

Naruto- Trash can

Al- CHARGE

Naruto- (Jumps on Al's head rips off helmet and stabs his blood seal with a kunai knife.) Wow those brothers really suck at fighting.

Kakashi- well done Naruto

I'm not even going to ask again. Anyway we have run low on contestants so we're calling in some more. In the mean time enjoy this picture of Hujintao

President CHINA

(March of the Volunteers plays in the background.)

Well we have our new victims

Gandalf the white

Gandalf- Suron's forces are gathering.

O.k old man next is the scar Predator from AvP.

Scar predator appears carrying a big backpack.

What's in the sack?

Scar- (Aims plasma cannon at narrator)

Never mind. Next we will have our brake.

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Scar- (sneaks off in invisibility cloak) Where did Scar go? Oh well, everyone gets a potty break!

Peter-I have a dookie growin' in me that could choke a monkey.

Alucard- I haven't relieved myself in two millennia.

Holy assmuffins what the bloody hell is wrong with you?

Alucard-Vampires don't take dookies!

Oh, oh sorry if that's a sensitive subject.

Naruto-I think I ate bad milk again. Does anybody know how to tell if milk is bad?

Was it chunky or any color other than white?

Naruto-Yah it was chunky and it was somewhat yellow.

Then yah it was bad.

Naruto-Ah man! Why me? Oh no I have to go really bad (gurgle glugglug bubble)

(Peter and Naruto race off to the bathroom)

IN THE MEANTIME

Scar- (opens sack on his back. Pulls out Alien eggs and places in toilets.)

Naruto- Oh man Ah EEEERRRMMMM ah ha woo. Man I think that was the biggest doo…. (Alien egg hatches) what the hell? AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! It's alive my stomach must have summond a poo demon to punish me AAAHH I don't want to die oh no it's crawling back up NOOO!!!

Peter- That guy in the next stall is havin' a hard time. EEERRR I might have a bigger one though OOOOOHHHH AAAHH that feels so good. (Alien egg hatches) Oh that tickles wait what the hell OH that's freakin' awesome a face hugger from that movie ALIEN that must mean I'm like the Alien Queen or no wait the guy in the movie got killed waawaawaahaawaa AAAAAHHH!!!

Scar- (sneaks back to tournament)

Where were you?

Scar- Uglymotherfucker!!!

O.K. their turbo anyway where's the fat guy and the number one knucklehead ninja?

People keep vanishing around here! Well we can't have a tournament without opponents. Gandalf do magic until they get back.

(Music in background from the six-flags commercial, then Gandalf makes the old guy from the six-flags commercial come out of his staff and dance)

That is so unnatural.

(Naruto and Peter stumble back dazed and confused)

Got-damn where the mother fuck were you two!?

Peter-The last thing I remember I was unloading an atomic pile of ass pudding and then it all goes gray.

Naruto-Yah same here and I have some bad heart burn too.

Well that is going to haunt me for years to come.

Naruto- I think I feel something moving in my chest I wonder what that is. It might be that poo demon that crawled up me ass (NO that is not a typo).

Poo demon?

(Alien bursts from Naruto's chest in a tidal wave of blood)

Naruto- HOLY TITTY FUCKIN' JESUS. (Stares at alien which is still half way in his chest cavity.)

Alien- (In high girly voice) RICOLA!!!!

Naruto- Jesus Christ I think I'm just gonna die now.

Alien- that's what you think hehehe. (Crawls away cackling)

Naruto- You know what, fuck this. (Stabs self in face)

(Five aliens burst from Peter's chest chanting in unison.)

Aliens- RICOLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(They all scatter away cackling)

Peter- That's the last time I'm eating Chinese food. I'm gonna go get a drink seeya.

DUDE YOU JUST LOST OVER FIFTEEN GALLONS OF BLOOD SHOULDN'T YOU BE IN PAIN?????????

Peter- Why hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe Taco bell think outside the bun hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheehehehehefuckeheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheI like waffleshehehehehehehehehehehehehehehmonkeydouchehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehassholehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehhehehehhehehehehehehehehehheheheheheheheHEHEHEHehehehehehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehdonkeyhehehehehehehehefuckhehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehehehehehehegigglehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehhee

DIE YOU LYING PIECE OF SACK OF SHIT IN A TRASH CAN AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH (Shoots Peter in the balls with a Barret 50 cal.)

YFH OL SHITBAG

Anyway we now have the problem of six aliens running around the arena. But we will continue the matches anyway.

Brady bunch- Hi ya.

WTF

(Aliens pounce on the Brady bunch and devour them.)

Well while the aliens are enjoying the cool crisp taste of bobby Brady.

Bobby B. - I BLAME YOU EVIL TIKI.

Tiki- WIKIWIKIWIKI

SHUT THE FUCK UP I'M TRYING TO TELL EVERYONE ABOUT THE NEXT MATCH.

(Silence) 

Gandalf against our SURRPRISE guest the aliens.

M. Night Shamalan- WHAT a TWIST

DIE SHITWAD (Sicks clown with glass dildo on him.)

(Aliens and Gandalf meet on the platform Gandalf in at the edge. Aliens charge at Gandalf.)

Gandalf- YOU SHALL NOT PASS. (Slams staff on his foot.)

Gandalf- Fuck a hobbit upside down and backwards that fuckin' hurt. (Begins jumping on one foot looses balance and falls off the edge.)

Gandalf- DE JA VU this fuckin' sucks hobbit balls. (Death)

Frodo- Mr. Gandalf (jumps into the lava.)

Sam- Mr. Frodo (Jumps in lava)

Gollum/Smeagle- PRECIOUS (Etc…)

Well I hope they enjoyed their orgy of death. Well the aliens and hungry so I decided to let Scar and Chief have a go at em.

Scroll down

No realy scroll the FUCK down.

Are you retarded?

MOTHER FUCKER KEEP GODDAMN SCROLING

NOT THERE YET ASSFACE

IF I COULD SHOOT YEH I WOULD

Please enjoy this picture of our pet clown eating M. Night Shamalan.Hahaha your movies suck you stupid fucktard.

Well anyway the chief and Scar have finally killed the last alien.

Last alien- RICOLA RICOLA. (Gets kicked in slimy balls.)

Scar- UGLYMUTHAFUCKER.

Chief- That guy loves saying that doesn't he.

Cortana- I've calculated that he has said that 567.8 times today.

Chief- .8?

Cortana- You don't want to know.

Chief- STOP FUCKIN SAYIN THAT YOU DIGI-WHORE I MEAN THAT DOESN'T EVEN FUCKIN PERTAIN TO WHAT I WAS ASKING YOU STUPID FUCKING ….FUCK

Cortana-… You better?

Chief- yeah I just ya know. Never let out any emotion at all so once and awhile I need to vent. Speaking of which could you turn on the A/C in my armor I can't reach it.

Cortana- Sure… That better.

Chief- Yeah do you mind converting all A/C power to ma crotch, and put the pressure to 95.

Cortana- Uhhhh o.k.

Chief-Yeah that's right, nice and cool.

Cortana- Are you imagining us having sex again.

Chief- PUT THE PICTURE ON MY HUD.

Cortana- But we're in public.

Chief-But I wanna get dirty.

Cortana- O.k. just no mayonnaise

Chief- Fine

(This art does not belong to me. It belongs to someone on Deviant art I'm just using it for this fic.)

HELLO THERE. Anyway we are at the end HERE COMES GODZILLA.

Godzilla- Roarg

Seconds later

(Everyone is inside Godzilla Cept the narrator.)

Chief- Anyone have any aces.

Alucard- Go fish.

Chief- Shit, you scar?

Scar- UGLYMUTHAFUCKER.

Chief- Thought so, Al its your turn.

Alucard- Got any Jacks?

Chief- DAMN, how the hell did you know.

Alucard- I can see through solid objects.

Chief- You bastard I lost that picture of Cortana to you.

Alucard- Well if you try one more round I'll give you a picture of Seras naked.

Chief- Right lets keep going.

Scar- Uglymuthafucker

Chief- NO, Not ugly mutha fucker. HOT AS HELL Muther fucker.

Scar- Hotuglymutherfucker.

Chief- good enough.

(Godzilla falls into sarlac pit. Ye know from Star wars return oh teh Jedi.)

All except Scar.- Ahhh shit this might take awhile.

Scar- Hotuglymutherfucker

Alucard- Is he retarded?

Chief- No he's just special.

(1,000 years later. Alucard climbs out.)

Alucard- Fuck that took a long time. (Kunai hits him in the heart.) Shit (Turns to dust.)

Kakashi- I hope you all learned a valuable lesson from this…. I KICK ASS. Good night and good luck this has been a Ranting writer and Foodawg production. Thank you.

Disclaimer- I OWN NOTHING.

A/N So I hope you enjoyed this random fic. Hopefully it puts a skip in your step and a reason to not drop that toaster in your tub. Sorry to anyone we offended, we are not responsible for any injuries you may have inflicted upon yourself pretending it was us. But anyway please leave a review and feel free to ask us about any jokes you missed.

THE 

END……..SHITBAG……..OR IS IT? WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO.


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